I’d like to make a toast to my beautiful exboyfriends.
Yes! To you hip shakin’, tight pant sporting, bass playin’, singing & cheating douchebags. I love/hate you all, so very much. It’s because of your ridiculous hipsters haircuts and bad tattoos, I now know exactly what to stray from. It’s when the guy I’m interested in takes 4 hours to call me back, that I know he’s fucking my former best friend; and I thank you for teaching me the ways of the player. I will no longer have to fight over the hair straightener, I learned my lesson from many burned fingers as it was torn from my hands; I now own TWO! Always prepared. I no longer pine for the singers, for I learned that when songs are “written” for you, it really means they were ripped from some random Irish pop band. With the powers of Google invested in me & the iPhone I hold close to my heart, I am all knowing. You beautiful creatures, each and everyone of you, I have dated some of the sexiest men in LA. It makes momma proud. I’d like to thank you all for enlightening me, and showing me the trick to being a douchebag. I now know all the warning signs, red flags and Emergency EXITS at every place I go on dates to.
xoxo Heather.
