Dear Rogier,

I decided since neither one of us can land a semi-perminant fuck buddy (aka “significant other”), that you and I should just cut the bullshit and get hitched. I too have spent countless hours in the gym after my last break-up. I’ve slimmmed down quite a bit, apparently guys like the feeling of fucking a chain link fence; I can grate cheese on my ribs. I think we’d be perfect together.We can drink ourselves stupid and leave voicemails on Sterner’s machine of us crying & begging her to come over; naked. Nevermind the dad issues, the age gap is perfect. I look forward to making this happen!

-Heather